BEE + AT + IF + EYE

Beatification: the act of making something blessed. Anastacia, in Brazil, for example, wears a muzzle and is dragged in the dirt by horses because she is blessed. She also has blue eyes. Mother Teresa is not a saint, but has been beatified and therefore is called Blessed Teresa. Blessed Anastacia, Blessed Teresa, Blessed Edmund Rice, these are just some of the names of people who are sure to be in Heaven.

That’s the basic idea. When someone says that a dead person is beatified, it’s just a declaration that they are holy enough to reach paradise and that they are capable of performing miracles from the grave. Anyone can beatify anyone (as long as they’re dead). That’s the beauty of the thing—you don’t need the Pope to approve of a beatification or even a priest. A daughter can declare her dead mother blessed and Catholics everywhere would have to shrug their shoulders and send a quick prayer to a dead mother.

To gain sure entrance to heaven, you have to follow the Beatitudes (Bee + Attitudes). Jesus said something about them in the Bible. Or was it St. Paul? No, no, it was actually St. Matthew. In any case, they’ve been made into a famous hymn that even Prods like Anglicans or Episcopalians listen to:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land.
• Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill.
• Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
• Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
• Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

So, I guess being dragged around in the dirt and wearing a muzzle makes you meek and suffering—that’s why Anastacia’s Brazilian pals are all behind her getting sainted. I don’t know what her blue eyes have to do with it.

Once at Mass this guy came in to get people to pray for his Blessed person. He held in his hands this gold metal star that held a relic—or, not an official relic, because the Vatican hasn’t yet approved, but a relic according to this cult of people. (A relic is something that is made holy simply by its tactile association with a holy persona—the Sacred Cross on which Christ was crucified, for example.) Then he blessed us with the sacred sun metal thing and told us to inform him of any miracles that happened because of it—then they could bring the record to the Vatican to work on getting the beatified person sainted. My stomach virus may have been cured, but I can’t be sure it was the relic.

Beatification allows for freedom within the Catholic Church—think about it: you take control over who you pray to. You can make up your own saints. If you say someone is beatified, you can start carving little icons and making up symbols and bringing relics to Mass to bless people with them. No longer are you dependent on the priest to make holy water, you can just use the relic of your personal saint to bless the kitchen tap. It’s the greatest spiritual loophole ever. There used to be a lot more beatified people in the Middle Ages—somewhere in the Eastern Orthodox Churches, there are saints that have tails, which just goes to show you things were a lot more fluid between the lay people and clergy. Can you imagine?

Russian Village Farmer: Hey, did you hear the crazy son of the butcher died? He was practically a saint. Let’s beatify him.

Priest: But didn’t he have a tail?

Russian Village Farmer: Shut up. I say he should be beatified and that’s what I say. Look, I saved his thumb and it cured my daughter’s histrionics.

Priest: Well, if you say so. I’ll tell the Pope and we’ll make it official.

Of course, making it official isn’t exactly easy—you need to prove that the Beatified person has been dead for a number of years and has performed three miracles on Catholic people (performing miracles for non-Catholic is just sort of a nice thing to do and doesn’t count towards canonization, which is when a Pope says someone is a saint). In the Middle Ages it was easier, but nowadays things are much more bureaucratic—that is, unless people knew what sort of power they held. Everyone should beatify someone at least once a year. That would be nice.